November 2024: The Intersection of Rules & Racism

We hope this month’s newsletter finds you embracing some of the humility, vulnerability, curiosity, self-reflection and action that we refer to in our CWC preamble. The October conversations were filled with explorations of what it means to belong, conversations which allowed many of us to explore our own relationship to belonging as we continue to heal from our racial conditioning.

One member brought up a recent experience they had at a Broadway show. The play was written by a Black playwright and featured a cast of three Black actors. The audience was racially diverse. As they explained:

"I ended up sitting behind a group of five Black women and next to three white women. After the usual curtain speech to silence our phones and open all candy wrappers, the play began. About five minutes in, one of the Black women in front of me opened her phone briefly. She had it open less than ten seconds (and was being very discreet) when one of the White women behind her leaned forward and asked her to put the phone away. The Black woman apologized and said she would put it away in a moment, which she did. 

Fifteen more minutes passed and another one of the Black women in front of us opened her phone. She was also very discreet, seeming to be checking a message. Again, one of the White women beside me leaned down, and more loudly this time, asked this woman to put her phone away. The Black woman, seemingly annoyed by the request, didn’t respond and finished what she was doing quickly and put her phone away. This was not good enough for the White women beside me. One of them proceeded to explain to the Black woman that she isn’t supposed to have her phone on during the show and that it’s rude and distracting to everyone else. The Black woman responded with a whispered, polite “mind your business” retort and then went back to watching the play, which obviously triggered one of the White women as she proceeded to take out her phone, turn on the flashlight, and shine it on the five Black women for a good twenty seconds. 

Looking through the lens of race and racism, there are clearly so many things to unpack and so many lessons to be learned from this situation. But there was one big question I had: when does my adherence to rules disconnect me from my full humanity and my ability to see the full humanity of others? I can think of so many times when someone’s rule breaking, even the most innocent of cases, has sent me over the edge into frustration, and sometimes, rage. But why? What if the Black woman in front of me is the primary caregiver of an elderly parent? What if she reluctantly accepted a night out with friends with the understanding that she would be a text message away if the parent needed anything? If that were the case and the white women knew it, would they have been more forgiving? If yes, why couldn’t they lead with that grace?

I was left wondering…what was the real distraction for these white women – the light of the phone or the breaking of the rules (the irony is that the White women’s behavior was so much more distracting than the Black women discreetly checking their phones.)? How was their reaction tied to internalized narratives about rule-following, whiteness and racism? And, most difficult to consider, do I identify with the white womens’ behavior? The answer to the last question is a definite yes.”

This story got us thinking about the times we’ve put rules above relationships and humanity, specifically in multiracial spaces, so we thought it would be great to explore this with the larger CWC community.

Here are the questions we will use to jump start the conversation: 

1. What were you taught about “rules and laws?” Are you a rule/law follower? A rule/law breaker? Someone who upholds rules/laws?

2. How do racial biases show up for you when experiencing or witnessing the breaking of rules? Are you more forgiving towards certain racial groups? 

3. Who developed the rules and laws that you adhere to? Are they all just?  

4. What are ways that you have found or could find balance between adhering to rules/laws and seeing the full humanity of others?

   
   

We know there are going to be lots of strong opinions about this topic and we can’t wait to put it all out on the table. We imagine this month’s conversations will provide opportunities to practice listening to different perspectives and respecting the lived experiences of others 🙂

As always, if the prompt doesn’t resonate, come to a conversation anyway and share what’s on your heart and mind. We strongly believe that whoever and whatever shows up is exactly who and what is supposed to be!  

“We do not become fully human until we give ourselves to each other in love.” – bell hooks, All About Love